Talking with someone who has an eating disorder can feel overwhelming, especially when you care deeply about them. You may wonder how to begin, what to say, or how to respond without making things harder.
While you don’t need to have all the answers, the key is creating a space where they feel heard, understood, and safe. Even small, gentle conversations can help them feel less alone and encourage them to open their doors to professional help when they’re ready.
Recognizing the signs of eating disorders in others
Eating disorders influence how someone thinks, acts, and talks about food, weight, exercise, and their body. The signs aren’t always obvious. Someone may follow strict routines, avoid eating with others, or feel anxious around food or rest. Physical changes can appear, but a “healthy” appearance doesn’t always reflect internal struggles.
These behaviors often serve as coping mechanisms, temporarily relieving stress, managing anxiety, or providing a sense of control. Understanding the reasons behind them can help guide a supportive conversation.
Why talking to someone with an eating disorder matters
Eating disorders often develop quietly, and without support, feelings of isolation and shame can grow. Reaching out lets someone know they are noticed, cared for, and not alone.
Simply being present can break isolation, ease shame, and create space for healthier coping. Even if professional help isn’t immediate, your concern can be an important first step toward recovery.
How to start the conversation safely
When talking to someone who has an eating disorder, discussions about eating or exercise can feel delicate. Here’s how to approach the conversation in a way that’s safe, supportive, and respectful for both of you.
Choose the right time and setting
A calm, lower-pressure setting can make it easier for someone to stay open rather than defensive. For some people, this might mean a quiet moment at home, a car ride, or a walk where there’s no direct eye contact. For others, a semi-public place may feel safer because it’s less intense. The goal isn’t privacy at all costs, but choosing a space where they’re less likely to feel trapped, overwhelmed, or put on the spot.
Start with what you’ve genuinely noticed
Rather than leading with concerns about food, weight, or exercise, focus on changes you’ve observed over time. This could include feeling more tired than usual, withdrawing from plans, feeling more anxious around routines, or looking overwhelmed. Keeping it grounded in what you’ve actually seen avoids making your concern sound like an accusation.
Be ready for different reactions
Not everyone responds right away. Some people may brush it off, change the subject, or say they’re fine. Others might get silent or uncomfortable. These reactions don’t mean you handled it poorly. For many people, being asked directly about something sensitive can take time to process, especially if they haven’t fully acknowledged it themselves.
Avoid pushing for immediate answers
You don’t need to solve anything in one sitting. Pushing for explanations, promises, or next steps can make someone shut down. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is name your concern, listen, and let them know you’re available to talk again, whether that’s later the same day or weeks down the line. Trying to force a solution can often push people away from recovery.
What to say to genuinely support someone
Starting a conversation is one thing; knowing what to say once it begins is another. Here’s how to make your loved one feel seen and respected, even if they aren’t ready to make changes yet.
Listen and validate their feelings
When they open up, acknowledge what you hear. Try these statements:
- “It seems like part of you wants things to get better, but another part feels unsure.”
- “It sounds like this has been really hard for you.”
The intention is to show that you’re listening, not to solve anything yet.
Ask permission
Before asking deeper questions, give them some control over the conversation. For example:
- “Would it be okay if I asked a little more about that?”
- “Do you want me to just listen, or talk about ways to cope?”
This allows them to feel safe and in charge of how much they share.
Separate them from the struggle
Normalize their experience without minimizing it:
- “A lot of people feel this way, and it doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken.”
- “These challenges don’t define who you are.”
This reminds them they’re more than what they’re struggling with.
Highlight their courage, not behaviors
Focus on their honesty and willingness to share, not compliance or results:
- “I’m glad you told me that.”
- “It took a lot of courage to say that out loud.”
You’re recognizing their effort and not judging the outcome.
Accept resistance without arguing
How can you help someone with bulimia or anorexia when they’re not ready to make changes yet? Resist the urge to convince them. Instead, a gentle response might be:
- “I understand. Change can feel really scary, and we don’t have to figure it all out today.”
You can also gently remind them that while you care and want to support them, a professional might be able to offer guidance and tools you can’t.
What not to say to someone with an eating disorder
Talking to someone with an eating disorder can be tricky, and even well-intentioned comments can unintentionally cause harm. Here are some examples of things to avoid to keep your words from making the situation worse.
Avoid comments about weight or appearance
Even if you mean well, remarks about body shape, eating habits, or things like “you should eat more” or “you shouldn’t do that” can add pressure and shame rather than help. This can backfire and often creates more pushback or avoidance than motivation.
Don’t downplay what they’re going through
Saying things like “it’s not that bad” or “everyone struggles with food” can make them feel misunderstood. Their experience is real, even if it doesn’t look that way from the outside. Downplaying their experience won’t make it go away, and it may actually delay them from seeking support or allow the issue to progress.
Skip judgmental language
Calling someone “lazy,” “dramatic,” or “disgusting” doesn’t just hurt; it can make them hide their feelings or behaviors more.
Avoid quick-fix advice
Telling someone to “just stop exercising” or “try a new diet” oversimplifies a complicated issue and can shut down conversation. Listening usually helps more than giving solutions.
Don’t compare or assume motives
Comparing them to others or guessing why they’re doing something, like thinking it’s about attention or vanity, can feel hurtful and isn’t accurate. Everyone’s experience is different.
Expressing support without enabling harmful behaviors
Being supportive doesn’t mean you have to manage every meal, monitor every behavior, or have all the answers. True support is about creating an environment where the person feels safe and understood. Encouraging healthy routines like getting enough rest, eating balanced meals, or engaging in gentle activity works best when it’s offered as support rather than oversight.
At the same time, it’s important to recognize when professional guidance could be helpful. Signs like serious physical risks, dangerous behaviors, or intense emotional distress are cues that trained support needs to intervene. Start by sharing resources, offering to accompany them if they want, and framing their need for medical care as an opportunity to be empowered rather than a point of criticism.
How to take care of yourself while supporting someone else
Offering help to someone else can be emotionally and physically draining if you don’t acknowledge your own limits, set boundaries, and seek support from friends, peers, or a counselor. You can’t fix others’ problems, and trying to do too much can leave you exhausted and your efforts counterproductive.
When you take care of yourself, that doesn’t mean you care any less. Simply being steady, present, and willing to listen can be the most meaningful support you can offer, and it starts by paying attention to your own needs.
Let Health Loft help you and your loved one
Learning the right ways to approach and talk to someone with an eating disorder is a crucial step to take, especially when that person is a loved one. But beyond that, it’s also important to recognize when to encourage professional help. When approached with empathy, this can feel supportive rather than intimidating.
Working with a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders provides guidance that addresses both physical and emotional health. At Health Loft, we can help your loved one rebuild a healthier relationship with food and movement, establish safe boundaries, and create routines that truly champion long-term health.
Connect with our team today to help your loved one navigate recovery with care, understanding, and confidence.
This article was reviewed by Solveig Adalsteinsdottir, MS, RDN, LDN. It is intended for informational purposes only and does not replace personalized nutritional advice.
